Okay, so this is it. After 8 years of Big Brother, and 3 years of Eye On Big Brother, it all comes down to the Nanna, the Brickie and... well... Mr Nondescript.  To commemorate, lets do this live, like the "old days"...

7.00pm

"Sit back and enjoy the show," says Mr Brother. We'll try. And after the last group of Queensland bogans to ever hold their cardboard signs in the air count the event in, we're off. Cue memory lane montages, lots of ego stroking, and the crowning of this year's Numero Uno Bunny. 

Kyle looks every bit as psyched as you'd expect him to (not long, now, Kyle). "Don't forget you're voting to evict," he reminds us. "That's very important." And he's right. Every other year has seen the final vote come down to our love. But I find it quite fitting that they've done away with the pretenses and this whole thing comes down to who you hate. It always was really about the hate, after all. And this should, no doubt, secure the winner they're wanting: Terri.

It takes no time to get down to business. We're shown a fake graph of the final percentages, and - what a surprise - we're to believe that it has come down to less than one percent between Terri and Rory. Well, that showed us a lot, didn't it? Quick, everyone, let's get voting! Kaching. But it's also supposed to mean that it comes down to Terri and Rory (unless everyone responds by voting so hard for the two, it leaves Ben the winner!). 

Now, here come the past winners. We're told that the first season's winner, Ben, "can't be with us". Won't be with us, is more to the point - Ben refused, because he didn't want anyone reminded of the show, compromising his current life as a serious human being. 

Yada, yada, yada. Everyone is doing great. The winners generally are, after all. The Logan boys have bet money down on Terri (cosy with the producers?). Regi - who had a rather turbulent story, post-BB (including being exploited, financially ruined, jobless and depressed) - fails to comply, however, and doesn't quite support Jackie's view that BB was a dream come true for her.

"Do you think you would have left the chip shop, if it were not for Big Brother?" smiles Jackie.

"Yep. I would have," nods Regi, oblivious.

And here comes Gretel. Well, in spirit. Clever Gretel! The things this woman does for her gigs - there's no denying what a good employee she is. So, she agrees to do it, but only in return for another cross-promotion for her new gig, The Rocky Horror Show. "What a time warp this is!" says Gretel. Ten insincere seconds later, it's over. That was Gretel. In the end, BB kiddies, she couldn't really give a fuck. You can't blame her for that, at least. 

And they "can" tell us (I bet they can) that the voting graph they showed us has changed. Jackie also has some really thoughtful advice for us: it's not enough just to vote for the one you don't want to win... you have to also vote for the other one. You have to vote twice. At least. Ahhhh, thanks Jackie. Hang on, while I put more money into their pockets, irrespective of how we have lately had it confirmed how pointless and corrupt the voting is. Kaching.

7.30pm

I'm bored. Bring on Sandra Sully for the standard reporting on the world news they've missed.

Who the fuck is the dead woman with the cricketer husband? I confess that's the first time I've heard of it. Was that really on the scale with the China earthquake? Or did they just think that would get a patriotic tear from Nanna? Cause it did.

And c'mon, guys, you're too gutless to even end it with a hint of knowing irony? What about the "Big Brother gets axed" bit?!

Okay, I guess no irony, then. Let's just throw to an ad break with a coincidentally placed ad for The Rocky Horror Show. Isn't that Gretel Killeeen woman in that?

After an ad for Clearasil that features the line, "It's time to go... pimples", we're back on. And they've now changed their minds, and decided we can see the graph again. This is because it's backfired, and they've realised that their silly idea actually worked a little too well - Ben now looks like the winner. "Is that what you want?" the pair ask. "You'll have to vote to evict Ben," instructs Kyle. With 9 minutes to go til lines close, they're no doubt hoping we do.

Now, for the slow, painful retelling of the season. Usually, we go week by week (which is particularly dull), so this year's decision to go by various issues and aspects - such as the Kombi club, etc - is welcome. 

This also includes brief interviews with the evicted housemates, who - in the midst of their post-BB press whirlwind (it doesn't hit the wall for them, til now that the show is over) - will give us an array of rubbish that affirms the idea that BB does great things for these people's lives. Saxon, for example, is getting laid. When the Southern Cross tatoo is rocking... don't come knocking?

And I must confess, I am now given my first "surprise". I had forgotten all about Corey Fucking Worthington. I'm about to be reminded.

Voting lines are closed. 

"I have no idea who the winner will be!" trembles Jackie, insincerely.

"All we know is someone's about to be rich!" Kyle assures us.

A producer who was smart enough to cover his betting tracks, this time? 

Oh God, back to the Gen Y narrative. This year, Kyle tells us, was "all about the generation gap". Yes, yes - two people over 50 (who were basically rendered as having one foot in the grave) were pit against a bunch of young BB morons - youngins like.... Corey Worthington?

Bla, bla, bla. Although, one wonders what Corey's response to being arrested, the minute he gets out, meant, when it included the line, "I caught up with Cherry." (????)

Now, to Brigette and Cherry. Brigette brings new life to the image of "peaches and cream", taking it to an all new... um.... literal level. Easy on the spraytan, Brigette, it contrasts your peroxided hair, not so well! That said, I'm sure they loved it, down at Zoo.

Out comes Terrence, bringing the first truly horrifying moment of the finale, where the entire scandal surrounding Terrence and Brigette (contrived by the show to get rid of him) is now repackaged, with Terrence declaring that Brigette is a lovely girl. Brigette also thinks Terrence is a lovely man. Ah, the power of the carrot, when dangled in front of the faces of BB bunnies. How transient the reality of Big Brother was! One can only imagine, as to what went on, behind the scenes, there. They probably now blame the "evil media", who most evicted housemates have it put to them (by the show) is responsible for the public reactions and misconceptions.

I think I need some light comic relief, like... say.... a dance routine. 

8.00pm 

But first, another montage. God, I hate the montages. How many times can we sit through these "high points" of drama? And how many times can we be told that Corey Worthington is misunderstood?

I'm waiting for them to shrug off the absence of Rima, who reportedly declined to be on the show because she was unhappy with the whole thing and, in particular, Kyle's treatment of her. Or will they just ignore her, altogether?

On comes Alice, Dixie and David. Dixie has a new job on Broken Hill radio (good on her), while David's been getting his gear off, as well as helping Dixie on her radio show. 

Dixie has something to ask... why did Kyle call Broken Hill girls "moles"? Not seriously expecting a real answer, are you, Dixie? Kyle has no intention of taking it back - "I've lived in the country, don't forget." Yes, and now the population of a single country town barely competes with the size of the demographics Kyle now panders to. Next. 

Enter Ollie, the dog, who, as we learned last night, spent the whole time on Big Brother sick with diarrehea. Woof. Ollie, not too surprisingly, is too terrified to do anything but want to get the hell out of there. Moving on to... drumroll... the dancing...

Go on, girls. Sell those bodies. It's all you have, now. Rebecca and Brigette take it every bit as seriously as you'd expect them to. And then, it ends.

"That was pretty damned good," exclaims Jackie. Depends on your definition of "good", of course. It will probably be the highlight of the finale, admittedly. I feel so... untouched. But "entertained", nonetheless.

Another flashback segment - this time of "Boys failing to get it on with the girls in the house." For some reason, this includes Bianca nearly tearing Renee's head off (what does this have to do with anything?), but I suppose we just can't get enough of the only time the season neared physical violence. This is the third time they've shown it, already.

However, there's a silver lining, for once. It turns out that Bianca turned down at least $20,000 from Zoo for her... um... spread. You go, girl! Kyle - who has a business relationship with Zoo (he recently was responsible for Roberta Williams'... um... spread) - does his bit by panning her decision, but doesn't move her. "I want to work in politics or as a humanitarian, one day, so I don't think it would help," she explains. Wouldn't think that yelling, "You wanna piece of me, bitch?" probably helps her, either, but we get the sentiment. Good on her, I say.

And now, the first eviction...

8.30pm 

And it's time to go... Ben. Lucky they showed us those graphs, isn't it? ;) Yet another decision made by the show and not the public.

"I couldn't compete with such beautiful people as Terri and Rory," says Ben, without any knowledge of the irony of his statement. No, Ben, you couldn't compete with them, to be sure. Now, let's watch a montage of how you were the "dissenter", whilst you've just been thrown out by a carefully orchestrated finale. 

But down to the nitty gritty, like... is Ben frigid? Whoever said this show isn't responsible for starting important social discussions?! Ben just doesn't think Bianca is that into him. Um... okay - that was probably the nicest way he could have said it (none of these boys are going to pay too much attention to the girls they were intertwined with in the house - not with so many hotter girls to shag on their RSL tour).

"Roll the buff footage!" says Kyle. I agree - let's just get this over with. Ben uses the gym, topless, yada, yada, yada. Oh, what a spunk! See if you can root him, at an RSL near you.

Ben then gives Rory his $50,000, before Kyle tells us what we all should really have known - that it means squat, anyway, because whoever wins gets the full amount, irrespective of who gave who what.

Bianca is brought out on the stage, and Kyle tries to get them to "pash". Doesn't work. Quite frankly, doesn't matter.

Ben is given his crap prizes: a phone that anyone gets for free, anyway, when they sign up to 3 Mobile (never make the mistake of doing that, mind you - I did) and a shitty budget holiday. The only extra they can scrape up for the finale is $10,000. Maybe he can buy a shitty car with it?

And, now, for some gushy family moments with the final two, Rory and Terri. Terri gets to kiss the baby, and Rory's mum is so proud she repeatedly quivers, "I love you so much... I'm so proud", in exactly the leopard-print dress you'd expect her to be wearing. Next.

Mike Goldman! Let it be noted that Goldman's rather transparent attempt to use his blog to secure his place on the finale worked a treat - the BB diehards were in an uproar after Goldman revealed that the show had told him his services would no loger be needed (unsurprisingly, unimpressed with his equally transparent quips that he was about to quit the show, anyway), and... well... here he is. For about three seconds. One has to wonder what Goldman's future holds for him (the BB kiddies will, let's get real, forget about him, soon enough), but I hear they're looking for voice talent at Val Morgan.

So, let's just get the quintessential "your time in the house" montages over with, before nobody cares about either of Terri or Rory's time in the house. Rory stands in his G-string and announces, "I think my special telent is obvious". Yes, it was, rather - a perfect summary. And rather shallow - leading me to suspect that Terri has this in the bag (they now know who has won, after all). Terri's package is much longer and much more emotive. It's the package of a winner.

9.00pm

Here we go. Terri and Rory take their respective cash amounts that we now know mean zip, and head for the eviction stage, where they're soon met by Goldman, who gets a few more seconds on camera. Goldman and his duo (Bree and Fitzy) ask what the first thing they'll do is, now that they're free from the house. Rory wants to eat a meat pie. Sigh. Goldman waves them, and potentially his career, goodbye. 

The pair arrive on stage to now ironic strains of "I Don't Think So!" Kyle remarks that he can no longer even make out who the crowd are chanting for, but it's clearly "Terri!".  

Rory's ego kicks in (not that it ever really went anywhere) and starts feeding off the affirmation, rising to his feet and fisting the air; "I love this crowd! I love this crowd!" All very well, Rory, but I think you're about to lose.

Two more packages, just for good measure. Terri's is the heartwarming story of triumph, leading me to further suspect that she is the winner they've ultimately wanted her to be.

"How did this ugly old lady ever get on this show?" Terri asks herself, after watching the package. Well, you fit the image they were looking to push the season with. Didn't work. Hello, it's axed. But here you are, Terri, standing on the edge of victory.

Rory's package continues the former montage's theme, and Rory is presented as nothing more than a sleazy cassanova. He then gets an extra package, after Kyle declares his big cock to be the talk of the nation, featuring another Pamela plug (where Rory makes the astounding declaration; "She's a really talented actress"). He's not going to win this, it's now rather clear.

And then, it gets really... classy. Jackie smells Rorys hair. Oh, well, it's not like she'll ever get a gig on TV, ever again, anyway - she might as well go out, sniffing the dreadlocks of a BB misogynist. 

We're then told the runner up gets their shitty holiday and their mobile phone, as well as $20,000. The winner gets... well.... $250,000. Der. Then, they're told that this will be the "last" Big Brother... "just for now," says Jackie, towing the line Southern Star has told her to, since it's trying to sell the show for a bargain to basically whoever will pick it up.

Okay, so let's just do it. 

And the winner of Big Brother 2008 is...

Terri. 

Oh my God! Who would have thought?! It all feels like such an anti-climax. There's the predictable rain of gold ticker-tape. But the whole thing was predictable, after all. So, yeah, I'm sitting here, after pouring hours upon hours into this bloody show, feeling... nothing. Go figure. 

"I feel like I'm going to be sick," says Terri. I'll leave that comment alone, regardless of how it's begging for it. I do, after all, just feel nothing. Not sick. Just nothing. 

And this is it. No more Big Brother. A tiny stage covered in ticker-tape, a couple of thankyou's, and then we're given the tribute we knew was coming.

"This house has never belonged to Big Brother," it begins. "It hasn't belonged to the housemates. It is.... your house." 

Okay, now I feel a little sick. But, then again, perhaps, it really was. For it was the people, ultimately, who brought this house down.

"It's time to go," says Big Brother, ending this... "For now."

And it's nearly time for me to go. Almost. Come back, tomorrow, when you'll read the very last Eye On Big Brother entry, ever. I'm not going to pretend - unlike the show, this really is it from me! But it takes more than a montage to wrap this thing up, so I very much hope to see you, then, for a good old chat about what this beast was really all about, and what it's absence means. Let's face it - you'll be left in the buzz for... well... at least three, maybe four, days. So, I'll be here, tomorrow, waiting to say goodbye. Til then, why not write in your reactions to the finale of BB08 to the YourSay page (via Contact), or drop into the chatlounge?